Nate is such a unique soul.....there is no doubt about that. It really is a challenge to describe him exactly.....experiencing him is the only way to really know him. He has many extraordinary layers to himself.....and I have a feeling that the layers will continue to be revealed as he travels through life.
The other day when he was playing in the sand I couldn't help but notice how at peace he was....he was so content, really enjoying the moment. Simple....just playing in some sand....but beautiful all the same.
I cherish these peaceful moments for my son. You see, Nate is an emotionally charged person and sometimes in the heat of the moment he loses himself.....and as his mama it is difficult to watch.....to watch him lose self control. His first response is to scream...sometimes uncontrollably. My first response is to pray for him.....and I try to hold back the tears....sometimes I can....but usually my eyes are wet.
Helpless is a feeling I often feel inside when Nate is having a trying moment...or perhaps a difficult day all together. I just want to pull him close into a tight hug and wait until the storm passes.....but sometimes he doesn't want me to hold him at that moment....and I'll be honest.....that's really hard for me. He often needs some space and some time to cool down.....I am still learning how to help him and what is best for him.
His tears start to flow after the anger passes and he begins to weep.... almost as if the wall of anger that was raging in him was knocked down only to reveal a gentle core inside. He comes to me and crawls up on my lap and only then am I able to hold him close...to rub his back....to stroke his hair...to tell him he's ok now....and to tell him that I love him.
Yes there have been some extremely gut wrenching moments....for all of us, but I am so very thankful that as Nate matures his loss of self control is not as frequent as it once was. We know this is by the grace of God....Jared and I continue to pray for him everyday....and always will. In the midst of Nate's lesson of perseverance, Jared and I are challenged to look at our own hearts....seeking forgiveness for the times when we could have been more patient....where we ourselves lacked self control.
Yes, Nate has autism, but I do not let that define who he is...there is just too much beauty to his character for one word to even begin to describe him as a person.
I am sharing our life with all of you because I guess I feel like God has us all going through struggles at some point in time during the course of our lives....and I feel if I only share the blowing bubble and baking brownie pictures, that I am not being totally real....but I can assure you I am real. A mama with a real passion and deep love for her lovies...a mama who trips and falls along the way....who cries and worries when I shouldn't ....but who looks to God for the only strength that will carry me through this beautiful life....difficult moments and all.
By reflecting on the past I am then able to rejoice in God by seeing how far He has brought us as a family....and how far Nathan has traveled on this road.
His smile is contagious, his laughter is unparalleled, his hugs would cause the most stoic person to melt into a pile of mush. Oh how I love my son....I look forward to seeing the man that God intends for him to become.